The Daughter in Law Read online

  My lingerie drawer had been gone through and pieces were missing. Someone had rifled through my jewelry case and my nana’s ring was missing. I felt tears prick my eyes. Only one person I know who would bypass the three big ass flat screen TVs and all the other expensive shit we had laying around to do that shit. I’ma have her ass arrested.

  I called the cops don’t think I didn’t. I wasn’t about to give an inch. They were there when Damien showed up looking all flustered. I was standing at the top of the landing when I heard him barking at one of the cops. “Where’s my wife?”

  “Up here Dami, I’m fine.” He rushed up the stairs and grabbed me. “Baby are you okay?”

  “Just a little shaky.”

  “What the hell happened?”

  “Someone took nana’s ring and some of my underwear.”

  “What? that’s nuts, that doesn’t make any sense, why would someone…” He got it too.

  I’d made sure the cops printed the drawers, the doorknobs any and everything she might’ve touched. Her prints might be expected in certain parts of the house but not on my panty drawer the perv.

  After the cops left I could see him pacing back and forth like a caged animal. I knew what she wanted she wanted contact. I say let the cops deal with it.

  I moved about the kitchen making dinner while he ran his hands over his head over and over again. “This is nuts. Why would she do this?”

  “To get a rise out of you. It’s a power play.”

  “Power for what? for fuck’s sake what is going on? Why would anyone do a thing like this? This is not my mom, I’ve never known her to be this vindictive, this…”

  “You never had a wife before.”

  “That’s it, we’re changing the locks and if it turns out that she has the ring well…fuck this is crazy.”

  You said it buddy, bat shit cray cray; the way only the south can do it.

  “I hope you know that she’s crossed the line. I was willing to stay out of it and let you two handle your thing your way but she took my nana’s ring. If I see that prune faced bitch I’ma Hoffa her ass.”

  “Vanessa…”

  “Babe just let me handle this okay, you don’t have to deal with any of this any more. Since I seem to be the bone that’s being fought over I think it only fair that I be the one to deal with whatever this is.” He’s so cute; he has no idea what he’s up against. But if he thinks he knows the rules to this game let him at it, we’ll see how long that lasts before I’m back to wanting to nut punch him again. He really doesn’t get it. Her fight’s not with him, of course she’s gonna be all sugar and spice with him, she’ll save her shit for me.

  “Fine, if Cujo stays in her kennel and leave me the hell alone I’m all good.” I turned back to stir the pot of sauce I had simmering just as the phone rang. We both headed into the other room just as the machine picked up. “Hello Damien this is your mother, your REAL mother. I’m just calling to let you know I forgive you for last night. I know that wasn’t your doing and I understand. When you’re ready to talk just know that your mom’s here for you. I love you sweet boy hope to see you soon.”

  “Cracked, all the fucking way cracked.” I could only shake my head. Bitch was off her meds again.

  He actually looked surprised, like maybe he’d expected her to call him with an apology. “What the hell was that?” I shrugged my shoulders; she’s his mother if he didn’t know how the hell should I?

  I studied him for a hot minute.

  “What, what’re you looking at?”

  “I’m wondering if we should have you tested?”

  “Tested for what? I’m not sick.”

  “Yeah but that brand of cray might be hereditary, I think that shit needs to have an end by date. Can’t be spreading that shit.”

  “You’re funny,”

  “’I think so.” He smacked my ass as we headed back to the kitchen to finish making dinner.

  All through dinner it was eating away at him. I was pretty pissed off too; I want my nana’s ring. That shit had been in my family for about two hundred years. There were stories of bravery and true love attached to that piece of metal. I’d shared those stories with Hagar the Horrible, that’s how I knew she was the one to take it. He thinks I’m gonna let that shit slide. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.

  “Baby you’re off tomorrow why don’t we do something this weekend?”

  “Yeah? What did you have in mind beautiful?”

  “I don’t know, we haven’t been to your secret place in a while. I think it would be good to get away for a minute, clear our heads.”

  “That sounds perfect baby.” This little impromptu trip had two purposes. Yes I wanted to get away with my hubby because this baby news was killing me to keep quiet, and I could think of no better place to tell him than in his favorite hideaway. And two, if the festering boil should call she’d see that we were out of range. I know from experience that nothing drives her up the wall faster than not knowing where we are every second of every day.

  The next morning early the locksmith came out and then we were on our way. I had everything planned out starting with the test I had hidden away in my bag. The hagster wasn’t even a blip on my radar and I made sure my honey didn’t give her a moment’s thought. “Vanessa I’m gonna crash.”

  “No you won’t just concentrate on your driving let me do the rest.”

  We were on a long stretch of deserted backcountry road, best place to give my guy a tongue bath. I teased the shit out of him, bringing him to the brink and then squeezing him off.

  The third time I did that I felt the change under the wheels. We were off road and I was pretty sure we had another half an hour at least to our destination. I soon found out soon enough when he slammed on the brakes and dragged me out of the car after extricating his dick from my tonsils.

  “Shit Dami wait…”

  “Uh-uh no waiting.” He pulled my jeans down to my knees and kicked my legs apart. I got a cursory rub of the cockhead up and down my slit before he was slamming into me. I was on my toes by the second thrust and my face was pressed into the hood of his car. I’ll think about germs and shit like that later, right now all my concentration was on his monster cock that was trying to split me in two.

  “Fuck your pussy’s so tight.” I cocked my ass back a little higher so the dick could reach its target; that only made him fuck me harder. I think I scratched the paint when he jetted hot sperm inside me but that was his own damn fault. We hopped back in the car and I was a good girl the rest of the ride.

  I was all kinds of nervous and excited. I don’t think we’d ever had any real serious talks about kids and we were only married for two years; but he wasn’t getting any younger and neither was I. I was twenty-seven to his thirty-three, perfect age to start a family if you ask me. Hopefully we’d have the problem of his demon-possessed incubator taken care of before long, and she won’t spoil this for me.

  Chapter 9

  As soon as we got to the cabin in the Appalachia I headed for the bathroom under the pretense of having to pee really bad. Which was true since I’d been holding it in for freaking ever. He of course was ready to hit the trail. I was a nervous bunny as I waited the few minutes it took for the stick to change color. When the window at the edge of that little stick turned pink I started to cry. It was one thing to guess but something else entirely to have proof.

  I walked back out into the room where he sat waiting.

  “What is it baby, what happened?”

  I had tears rolling down my cheeks so of course he thought there was something wrong.

  “Sit down baby.” He looked like he wanted to argue but he sat with his eyes on mine. He looked so worried, how had I ever doubted this man? Okay Nessa don’t get carried away, you doubted because he was being an ass-hat. But that was then this is now.

  I pulled the stick from behind my back and held it out to him.

  He took it with a worried look on his face until he caught on.

>   “Are you, are we, you’re. Are you sure?” His voice had gone whisper soft; it was the sweetest sound I’d ever heard.

  I nodded my head yes and he stood and grabbed me up in his arms twirling me around. We were laughing and crying together and I was so happy that I hadn’t waited.

  Of course I had no idea until now that my husband was a lunatic, not bat-shit cray-cray like the hagfish, but he had something going on. It started like this. When we left our hometown to come up to his secret place the intent was to walk the trail, do some hiking, maybe fuck like rabbits down by the cute little spring he’d shown me the first time he brought me up here. Mind you it was just a few short hours ago when this had been on the agenda.

  Fast-forward to groundbreaking news ‘baby onboard’ and this captain in the American army, a man mind you with a stellar education as well. Just totally lost his shit. Apparently pregnant women lose the ability to walk. ‘You’re not walking the trail babe it’s too steep in some places: you sure you’re supposed to be wearing those jeans, aren’t those too tight? Babe maybe I should run down to the little market (it’s about another hour away) and get you some more fresh fruit and stuff because I don’t think we brought enough.’ This was part of the diatribe that I heard while I was relegated to the big stuffed chair in the corner and told to stay off my feet.

  “I’m moving in with the other crazy one when we get back.” That stopped him in his tracks; from what I could tell he was looking around the cabin in search of hazards from which to protect the pregnant lady.

  “Who, what?”

  “Your twisted chromosome of an incubator, I think I’ll move in with her. At least I know her brand of crazy, yours is freaking me out.” He got a hurt look on his face that lasted all of two seconds.

  “Cute, but here’s the deal. You, get to carry him or her, I have no control over what goes on inside there even though he or she is mine. So whatever I have to do from out here to ensure their safety will be done and you will follow orders.”

  This fool is having an out of body or some shit. I sat there for literally forty-five minutes while he went down a list of my new dos and don’ts. It was only half way through that I realized he was scared shitless. How did I figure this out? he knelt down in front of me and with the sweetest look on his face, placed his big hand over my tummy and said, ‘I don’t want anything to happen to either of you, you’re my whole world’. Of course I started crying and he started worrying about why I was crying.

  Needless to say the weekend did not turn out the way I expected it to; it was better. After he got over his…whatever the hell that was that he’d gone through, I’d got him to calm down just a little. There was no real service up here so I didn’t have the Google monster to help me teach him some of what he needed to know. But when I reminded him that women had been carrying and birthing babies for a few thousand years now no problem, he seemed to snap out of it. A little.

  The sex was phenomenal. Of course the crazy man thought he had to take it slow, so that’s how the forty or so encounters we had that weekend started out. But just as he started getting into the groove of things, I’d whisper something about his big cock breeding me in his ear, and his dick would take over. Best freaking sex in the world; I got the tender, sweet, ‘if I touch you too hard you might break’ loving, along with the jack hammering that my coochie craved. Win-win.

  Now we’re back home. Nothing looked disturbed this time thank fuck. I guess the crackpot found another outlet for her psychosis. I found out what that was when I hit the replay button on the voicemail. “Oh shit on a stick.” Who the fuck leaves someone over fifty messages in one weekend? I didn’t even know these things could hold that many messages.

  “Babe turn that off, we’re not doing that shit today.”

  “But there could be an emergency.” My ass, I just want to listen to her level of insanity as the calls go by.

  “Tough, let’s go, you need to relax after that long drive.”

  “Hey, do you plan on treating me like I’ve somehow lost all my faculties this whole pregnancy? Because you know pregnant does not mean invalid. It means I am woman hear me roar, because obviously pansy ass men couldn’t do the job so us girls had to get ‘er done. So please stop with your brain fart ideas.”

  “What’s that you’re eating? Give me that.” He snatched my candy bar and walked into the kitchen for a banana. “Here have this, it’s better for you.” I’m gonna kill that Siri bitch. All the way home I had to listen to her smarmy ass as he asked her dumb-fuck questions about what was best for me. This had to stop; I knew I should’ve checked that cray-cray gene.

  I finally snuck away and called mom while in the bathroom taking a bath in the lukewarm water that was all I was allowed by Hitler. I was wondering when he would show up seeing as how momsie is Mengele personified, can’t have one without the other. “Mom I’ve got news but it’s twofold and I have to talk fast. First we’re pregnant…” Eardrums mom eardrums.

  “You little shit, did you know while we were there?”

  “Yeah but the timing was all wrong. Anyway you’re gonna have to celebrate impending baby mooching later I have a problem.”

  “What kinda problem sweetie your witch in flaw again? by the way your husband rocks.”

  “No not her and thanks but right now my husband’s cheese fell off his cracker.”

  “What! What does that mean, what happened?”

  I told her the stories and this clown howled with laughter, she thought it was the cutest thing.

  “I don’t know what you’re complaining about, when I was carrying you and your brothers I had twenty four hour guards.”

  “Mom you always have twenty four hour guards.”

  “Not like this girlie. It was insane; your father was afraid I’d stub my toe and have a miscarriage. Some fool filled his head with all these horror stories and he made my life a living hell. Until I threatened to throw the female nurse slash spy out the window. So you see you have it easy, buck up.”

  Well, no help from that corner. Shit. We talked for about ten minutes, in which time I realized that I had already been replaced by my unborn child. What is it with people and babies? A week ago her whole conversation was about this cute this and this amazing that that she was getting for me. Now we were planning shopping trips for the baby. I kept one ear pricked for the door because sure as shit he’d be up here soon to make sure I hadn’t drowned in the three inches of water he’d allowed me. He had work tomorrow, who knows what kind of hell that was gonna mean for me. Maybe they have a daycare for preggos. If they do he’d find it the nut.

  Chapter 10

  The next morning he wasn’t making tracks for the door. “Honey don’t you have work?”

  “I’m taking a few days off.”

  “From the army? How does that work? Isn’t that illegal?”

  “No baby it’s not stop worrying and come ‘ere.” I went back to the bed and laid down, I know what he was after. I lifted my negligee so nutty could see that my tummy had not grown one iota since the last time he looked. He was being so cute, apart from the list of don’ts; that I was really starting to enjoy this whole pregnancy thing. I had no symptoms yet of course but he was in there.

  “We’re going to the doctor first thing then I have a guy coming out to wire the house…”

  “Wait, wire the house, wire the house for what exactly?”

  “We’re beefing up security I’m having eyes put in around the property and inside. It’s for your safety baby I shoulda thought of it sooner, then what happened a few days ago wouldn’t …”

  “By the way did you listen to your messages?”

  “You’re not to worry about that shit; no stress remember.”

  I’ma knock him in his damn head.

  The doctor visit was one for the books. First, my doctor is ten minutes older than dirt. Poor thing, I don’t think she was ready for Damien’s brand of nutty. He asked a million questions that left even her flustered. To hear him tell
it I was ready to give birth any day now. Meanwhile the little pin was barely a few weeks old, bless his heart. She was cool though and didn’t laugh in his face when he asked her if I should be walking up and down stairs or if we should move into a room in the lower half of the house for the duration. I didn’t get a word in edgewise; the man was off his nut.

  I had to bite my tongue when he started asking about sex. I thought for sure he’d be too embarrassed to ask an elderly lady old enough to be his grandma if it was okay to carry on having sex. Lucky for her she said yes because if they’d messed with my dick intake there would’ve been an uprising.

  Next it was back to the house, oh excuse me ‘Fort Knox’. There were men moving about doing who knows what. I waited until he was preoccupied to sneak and listen to the messages from the day before. The first couple started out calm enough but as time went on the bat-shit came through. First she wanted to know what we were doing, if we wanted to go shopping. Then it was her feelings were hurt because he was ignoring her. Not one mention of yours truly. I guess she figured since she’d let it all hang out and told everyone what she really thought of me that it was now okay to pretend I no longer existed.

  The screeching started at around call number ten and that’s when I got my first mention. It was almost sad that she couldn’t see she was digging the hole deeper for herself. I’m guessing I was the tart in question who was destroying her life. I heard him calling for me and skedaddled.

  “No running baby, what were you doing?”

  “Oh nothing what’s up?”

  “Officer Neill called, the prints don’t match any they have on file and since it’s considered a domestic issue their hands are tied.”