Savage: A Second Chance at Love Read online

  I was trapped and I knew it. If I wanted to be a part of my kid’s life, then I had to accept Dee as my wife and all that that entailed. Even now I don’t know how I did it, how I brought myself to bed her.

  The first few times I’d felt like a Grade-A bastard, felt like I was cheating on Shelly all over again. But that’s best left alone. After a while it got easier but it was never what I wanted and there was no way to soften the blow for Dee. Ergo the guilt I’ve carried ever since she died.

  Dee had done some fucked up shit back then too. Anything to hold onto the man she loved, even though she knew I wasn’t in love with her.

  She’d tried using my son to keep me on a leash and I’d let it happen until I popped that shit and let her know in no uncertain terms that that shit wasn’t going to fly. I refused to let her use my screw up against Shelly.

  Never listened to a bad word against the girl who I’d destroyed with my actions. Though Dee and her mother had done their best to paint my girl in a bad light. Like she was the one who was in the wrong.

  Shelly had made it easy on everyone and left town. She couldn’t stand the sight of me with my new family I’m sure. I couldn’t let her know that if there had been anyway to keep my kid and her, I would’ve done it in a heartbeat. I suffered guilt over that one too.

  It wasn’t Dee’s fault that she fell in love. Though I was never sure that she hadn’t set the whole thing up. I never asked her how she came to be out in the fields that night. It was a regular hang out spot for us kids back then. But I sometimes wondered.

  No amount of wondering and what-ifs was going to change anything so I buckled down and did what I had to. But I never gave my heart to anyone but Shelly. Truth is I never even tried.

  Each day away from her was hell. Each milestone I passed without her there by my side was bittersweet because the one person I wanted to be in my corner always, could not be there.

  Dee had tried, but I honestly never gave her a chance. I guess in some ways I did make her pay for trapping me, even though I loved my son.

  We spent years circling each other. She trying to get me to fall in love, and me growing farther apart from her. The harder she tried the more distant I became. I could never lie to myself and I knew I would go to my grave loving Shelly forever.

  There were a lot of tears and recriminations, but there was no hope for it and we both knew it. That didn’t stop her from trying though and it made for some very tense moments in our home.

  My son was my only interest, my son and the job. I put everything I had into the two things and made peace with my lot in life. I didn’t miss Shelly every minute of everyday, but whenever I did I forced myself to do something else.

  Anything that would take my mind off of her and what we once shared. Like throwing the ball with my son or putting in an extra hour on the job. Now they were both gone, my escapes.

  Two months after I buried what was left of my family and my past, Shelly was the first thing that came to my mind. Followed hard by my burning need for revenge.

  The two fought for precedence and neither won, they were both needful to me, to my very existence. I’d put one off while getting a head start on the other, but now it was time. I couldn’t go one more day without reclaiming her. I felt like I was suffocating without her. And dammit I’d denied myself long enough.

  I’d been giving myself time to get the worst of my anger under control before making my move. I wasn’t sure of my reception, though I’d already made up my mind that that wasn’t going to be a deterrent.

  But she deserved better than me coming to her the way I had been the first few months, especially after what I’d already put her through.

  I’d looked her up a few weeks after I came back from the brink. After I’d played around with the idea of eating my gun. That night I’d sat alone in the dark feeling like a beaten man. I was feeling like I’d already given my best and there was nowhere to go but down, and then her face flashed before my eyes and I felt…something. The first something I’d felt in a long damn time.

  Before I could change my mind I’d gone in hot. I did something I’d fought hard not to do for the last thirteen years. I used my badge to dig up everything I could on her.

  I knew she hadn’t ever been married, not that I would’ve given a fuck, she’s mine she’s always been mine. Our lives might have taken a turn thirteen years ago, but I was about to get that shit back on track.

  I knew that she wasn’t involved in anything serious at the moment but that there was some clueless asshole sniffing around her; too fucking bad.

  I knew that I was still in love with her and that after what the fuck life had done to me, she was my reward. Fuck anything or anyone that tried to get in my way.

  I knew all I needed to know and now I was going to bring her home. I fought back the little bit of conscience I had left and headed for the door. Time to start living again.

  7

  Nick

  I hopped on the back of my ride and rode into the night. The closer I got to my destination, the lighter I felt. I forgot the day’s happenings; put everything else out of my mind but what laid ahead.

  This could be the most important thing I do for the rest of my life so there was no room for screw-ups. My heart had feeling for the first time in a long time. Things that I had long buried, memories that I’d shied away from for fear of going over the edge, were now free to play out and I gave them free rein.

  I remembered the way she looked when she came up to me at the funeral. The last time I’d seen her before that there was betrayal and hurt, this time there was pain and compassion.

  I’d almost buckled right then and there, but grief had me in a chokehold. And then she’d wrapped her little arms around me and I’d felt that old familiar tremble in her limbs. The one she’d once told me after making love to her that it was my affect on her. I wonder if she still gets the butterflies too?

  For that split second that she was in my arms I had felt something other than the numbness I’d been carrying around after seeing what had been done to my family.

  Then guilt had hit me in the gut and I pulled back, said thanks for coming and moved on. Dee deserved at least a proper mourning, I owed her at least that much.

  I wasn’t even letting myself think about my boy back then, I couldn’t. You wanna know how strong or how weak you are, the loss of a child would test your mettle beyond anything you can ever imagine. I almost didn’t make it.

  That day after I’d thanked her for coming, after letting her go, still lost in a fog, I’d felt empty and alone. I remember wanting to hold onto her because in a funny way she was like a connection to what I’d lost, part of the life I’d had with them.

  But I knew it wasn’t right. Wrong fucking time, so I withdrew and retreated into the darkness of grief. There were times I didn’t think I would survive the pain. Nights sitting alone in the dark thinking about all I’d lost. Mad at the world because it seemed life was always fucking with me in one-way or another.

  It was only after I’d dealt with my own shit that my mind had been free to dwell on her. I came back from the abyss with a vengeance. All the things that had once held me back were no longer of any consequence.

  Somewhere in that darkness, I acquired a ‘fuck you’ attitude that wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon if ever. I can honestly say that the man who came out of that dazed numb world of heartache and bitter turmoil was not the same man who’d let her walk away all those years ago.

  Nick Sheridan would’ve left her alone. I’d already done more than enough to her. Savage wasn’t that chivalrous, he wanted her he was going to have her. I had lost enough for this lifetime I wasn’t going to lose her again. And it didn’t matter to me what or who I had to move out of the way to get what I wanted.

  She had no idea what was headed her way, because even as I was planning all this, I never approached her. I guess you can call what I was about to do a blitz attack. I no longer cared about propriety and what was right or
wrong.

  Had she been married I would’ve found a way to take her away from her husband, I don’t dwell too much on what that says about me.

  It was enough that she was all I cared about anymore and I wasn’t going to let something as insignificant as a conscience stand in my way.

  I knew damn good and well that my anger was the driving force behind everything I was thinking and doing, but I didn’t care one fuck. Maybe she was my saving grace. I knew that there was no one else in this world that could keep me from going too far over the edge; that could preserve what little bit of humanity I had left.

  That’s why I’d left it until this late in the game. I didn’t want what I felt for her standing in the way of what I had to do. She always was able to make me soft.

  Outside her home, I looked up at the windows; she was in there. I felt myself settle and hadn’t realized until then that I’d been tense on the ride over.

  I let my eyes scope out the place. I didn’t want any good Samaritans getting in my shit if things didn’t go smoothly. I wasn’t expecting her to make a scene, that wasn’t her style. But after all these years, what do I know? I wasn’t willing to take any chances though so I’d left this for late in the night when most folks were in bed.

  How many times had I sat out here like this? Just looking up at her place where I knew she was either asleep, or sitting at her desk working herself into the ground until the wee hours of the morning?

  The best times were those when I’d see her shadow moving around the rooms behind the shelter of the curtains that were like a silk shield between us. Those times it took everything in me not to go get her. But I let it suffice me, just knowing that she was right here, so close.

  She’d pitch a fit if she knew I had run a check on her. That I’d gone digging into her life the way I had. I knew every little detail about her from the day she left me to what she had for breakfast this morning.

  She’d buckled down after the number I’d done on her and done everything she’d always said she would. She’d fulfilled all the dreams she’d had, things she’d shared with me when we were young and in love.

  She’d achieved everything she set out to do, gotten everything she’d once whispered to me about. All the things she’d wanted for her future, but with one glaring difference. I wasn’t there at her side.

  She was a topnotch executive in one of the leading financial houses in the state. At her age, there was always someone making a big deal about her drive and her climb to the top.

  Only I saw beneath the façade. Only I knew what fueled that drive that saw her reach the pinnacle of her success years ahead of what she’d planned for. I was proud of her, every little achievement that I’d missed.

  While my wife had been alive, I’d stayed away, not even so much as looking up her number. She’d only moved back to the area a few years ago when her mom had fallen ill.

  We had both gone to great lengths to avoid each other because I’d never so much as seen her across a crowded room. But you couldn’t help but hear of her return and how well she was doing, or how great she looked.

  It had given Dee many a sleepless night, and my young son who was very attuned to his parents and their moods had picked up on that shit. Since I never wanted him to question my devotion to him, never wanted him getting even a whiff of the circumstances surrounding his birth, I’d gone out of my way to reassure the woman I had sworn to love and honor.

  It almost killed me. It was hell being that close to her after all that time and not being able to go to her, not even to get a glimpse of her. I couldn’t risk it, didn’t trust myself not to betray my vows. So I’d put her out of my mind as much as I could and plodded on.

  Once again, Shelly had made shit easy by moving clear across town. We didn’t move in the same circles, though we still shared some of the same friends from school, and those mentions here and there were hard to avoid.

  By then I had been ass deep in case after case anyway so I didn’t have time to dwell. But I would be lying if I said her return didn’t get me to thinking ‘what if’ every once in a while.

  I’d been a man and buckled the fuck down, staying the course, not wavering, no matter how it was breaking my fucking heart. Having her move back was like ripping the bandage off a wound that had never truly healed and watching it bleed again.

  When she’d been away it had been easier to bear. But having her so close to me, and not being able to go to her, to touch her, almost killed me.

  The mere mention of her seeing someone romantically was enough to send me on a good weeklong tear. As unfair and fucked up as that was.

  Once I almost went to her and begged her not to let anyone else have her. I think I was going out of my mind back then. All the old emotions had resurfaced and though Dee and I had no real issues between us, her only complaint being that I wouldn’t give her another child, that was the closest I’d ever come to walking away from my life and saying fuck it.

  But it would’ve been selfish and my son would’ve suffered. So once again, I’d turned my back on the one thing I really wanted. The only thing that would make me truly happy in a way nothing else ever could.

  I’d tried harder, because of the guilt of not wanting the life I was leading anymore. I’d done my damnedest to make them happy, or as much as I could.

  By then Dee and I both knew that we were hanging on by a thread. She’d always known that I was only there for Brandon, but even the few crumbs I’d once thrown her were dwindling. It was a fucked up situation all around and I didn’t need Dee’s threats or her breathing down my neck with her fears of me leaving her for Shelly.

  I was being pulled in a million different directions at once and my only outlet was work. Maybe that’s why I’d gone after those guys as hard as I had, why I’d been so good at connecting the dots.

  In running from my life, I’d excelled at my job, rising through the ranks and closing out cases as fast as they came across my desk. And all of that had led to the lost of my son.

  The pain wasn’t as raw anymore when I thought of my boy, but I had come to accept that it would never go away entirely. I felt guilty for living while he was gone and for the way in which he’d been taken.

  I felt guilty for not ever loving Dee the way she wanted. And I felt guilty that their lives were lost because of my job.

  I fought back the emotion and tried to stay focused on the here and now. Why had life chosen this for me? And when was I going to catch a fucking break? It seemed every time I got a handle on things something else came along and derailed my shit.

  Was life waiting for me to give up? Were all these tests to see how much I could take? I hope to fuck it was through screwing with me, because if anything happened to her, the last thing I had in this world, I’m not sure what the fuck I would do. I was tired of being fucked with.

  I’d loved two people in my life with my whole heart. One of them was lost to me forever. Now I was about to go grab the other one and hope to fuck she didn’t spit in my face.

  I closed my eyes and begged for the patience to do this right and not mess it up. She had all rights to slam the door in my face and tell me to get fucked, but I was hoping things went a little better than that. I’d hate to have to manhandle her but I came prepared for whatever.

  8

  Nick

  I made my way to the main door of the building. All it took was the flash of my badge to get by the guard who was sitting there. That and the ‘don’t fuck with me’ glare. I walked to the elevator and pressed the number to her floor.

  It never once entered my mind to wonder if she had company or not. The new me didn’t give a fuck and for her sake I hope she didn’t. Even to this day, after all this time, the thought of anyone else touching her still makes me see red, and now was no different.

  I didn’t ring the bell but pounded on the door with my fist. Better to keep her off balance from the get.

  “Coming, who is it?” I heard her voice from beyond the door and something
inside of me eased. I braced myself for the sight of her, opening my senses. I wanted to savor every minute of our new beginning.

  My body felt like a live wire when I got my first look at her. I just stared at her for the first few seconds letting it set in that I was here. That after thirteen long years there was nothing standing between us.

  “Nick, what…?” She’d come to the door wrapping a night robe around her middle. I’d convinced myself that I was ready for this, but damn, I had no clue. The sight of her still had the same damn affect on me as it did the day I fell in love with her.

  “I’m here to get you, let’s go.” I brushed past her into the apartment and closed the door. If she was anything like the girl I fell in love with all those years ago, I knew I might have a fight on my hands and I wasn’t about to give her time to think.

  “What, what are you talking about?” She followed me into the room and dropped into a chair with her mouth open in surprise. “You heard me Michelle, grab some stuff. Not a lot because I’m on my bike, we’ll come back later and get the rest.”

  Now that I was on the other side of the door I could relax. There was no way I was leaving here without her.

  “Are you nuts? What’s going on?” I walked to where she was sitting and stood over her, willing myself to stay calm long enough to let her make the choice on her own. “You heard me Shelly, it’s time to come home.” When she just stared up at me as if in shock, I took matters into my own hands.

  I pulled her up from the chair and her robe fell open revealing her cute little night shorts and the matching tank. My body reacted the way it always had, not that I’d expected anything else.

  “Thirteen years ago you got away, never again, let’s go.” I pulled her to me and my nostrils flared as her scent reached me. “Still the same.”

  She opened her mouth to argue but I didn’t give her a chance. One of the things I’d decided after the demise of my family was that I would never again play the sap. Whatever I wanted in life I’m gonna take.